Here's a new one 

I sweetened the waters so the people could drink,
I provided a sinner a place to sit and think,
I even provided Moses with his miracle rod.

I helped Nehemiah in his rebuilding of the wall,
I have never failed to stand both true and tall,
And I was as close as any to the Son of God.

Now neighbor look close and take your time,
With this rhyming riddle here of mine,
And you will find what it is that I am.

So take yourself a good long look,
Back through the pages of God's Blessed Book,
then answer it if you think that you can.

Anyone can vote visitor or otherwise!

I haven't posted a joke for a long time but I couldn't resist putting this one on.  Hope you enjoy it.  


Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.  
 
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
 
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
 
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
 
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
 
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
 
Guess where I am now...
  

An art connoisseur passed a little grocery in New York when he noticed a kitten on the front step lapping up some milk in a bowl. The cat was mangy with one ear half chewed off and clumps of fur missing. What really caught the collectors eye was the bowl the kitten was drinking from. It was a rare antique worth thousands. He walks in the store and offers $20.00 for the cat. "He's not for sale." Says the store owner. "That's ridiculous!" Says the collector. "He is one of the ugliest cats I've seen. He must be for sale. I'll give you $100.00 for him." The store owner thought for a second and said "It's a deal." The connoisseur hands the store owner the money, which he quickly pockets, and as he starts out the store asks "For that price I'm sure you wont mind sending that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it." The store owner says " No way. That's my lucky bowl. From that bowl I've sold 26 cats this week!"

Mr. Obvious


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon
of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine
lettuce, a 2 lbs can of coffee, and a 1 lb package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check-out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases the drunk calmly stated, "You
must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation but she was equally intrigued
by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off her drunken observer as to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered "Call for backup."

My Waffaly Wedded  Wife
  This  is really funny! They paid a lot for the videographers and they did a great job! 

Look at the clarity and the reactions they caught.  This couple are going to cherish this video forever.  If the bride's laugh doesn't start you laughing, you’ve lost your funny bone.
 
http://www.flixxy.com/wedding-ceremony.htm 

A TRIP TO COSTCO


Yesterday, I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant!?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.  I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.


I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.


Costco won't let me shop there anymore.



Better watch what you ask retired people.  They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
 
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better
idea about her hearing loss.
 
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational
speaking tone see if she hears you.
 
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
 
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself,

"I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?"
 
No response.
 
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for
dinner?"
 
Still no response.
 
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for
dinner?"
 
Again he gets no response.
 
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
Again there is no response.
 
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
(I just love this)
 



"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"